Once again, I'm up late at night. A little sleepless, a little restless.
I've been bugging my friends to update, but they say there's nothing much to blog about. On the other hand, I have been thinking a lot lately, but never had the patience to sit down and type it out *blushes* So now, since I can't sleep and my mind is filled with thoughts and I can no longer concentrate on my revision, shall blog a little in the hopes that I can clear my mind enough for me to continue revising like a robot well-programmed by the rigours of life in NUS, a zombie well-trained by the harsh critique of society.
Last Wednesday was the worst day of this semester for me. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong one after another like dominoes. I had only a brief moment of comfort when my friend and fellow classmate received my SMS and immediately told me he's coming to look for me. I guess I sounded very distraught, but I was touched by his response because I never expected him to be the one to offer me the comfort I needed.
I SMSed him cuz out of the three people taking the same module, he was the only one I felt I could confide in. Even so, I was expecting him to reply my SMS with sympathy, perhaps with pity for the way things turned out, but nothing more. Might seem a little patronizing, but I was desperate for some emotional comfort. Even if that was all he offered, no matter how clichéd it is and despite the fact that I had a mental script of everything I predicted he might say, I still needed him to say it for me to accept reality. In fact, I was even prepared to deal with the fact that he might not realize how horrible I felt about the situation that I imagined I would need to tell him explicitly to keep it from the rest of my classmates. I wouldn't be able to endure all their reproachful stares, wouldn't be able to stand everyone thinking what a failure I am if they knew.
But then he did something I never expected at all. He asked me where was I and told me he's coming over. Sounds a bit like a knight in shining armour right? Haha, nah... Somehow didn't have that effect on me like when WC said it in R.O four years back... Guess that role is reserved for YH now =) I was just very, very grateful that he actually replied immediately and rushed over upon receiving my SMS... I really needed someone then, and felt thankful to have his company. He couldn't do anything to salvage the situation, and there was silence between us many times, but just knowing that there's someone there for me was enough. After awhile we ended up talking about his life instead, and he tried to crack jokes to cheer me up. By then I was already feeling quite sleepy cuz I had stayed up the whole night and had cried a bit too, so after chatting awhile more, I told him I felt much better and just needed to sleep, and he left. A bit anti-climax, I know, but I couldn't keep my eyelids open any longer :$
The rest of the day wasn't any better, but by then I was already kinda numb, so I just mustered enough strength to do what I had to do and try to salvage the situation. My heart no longer had the capacity to break down again and finally allowed my brain to take over and deal with things rationally, haha. That should have been the way right from the start, right? Too bad my heart runs the show around here, and my brain has to listen to my heart, hahaha =p
Daddy... sorry for my frequent emotional outbursts =s It took me awhile but I finally realized I've been feeling too strongly about too many things and have been very emotional as a result, but I'm tired of it. DLDY made me feel I should be more committed towards 9TC, and I didn't wanna be the one who sowed disunity when everyone else were bonding, so I tried to pour my soul into what I was doing. From a person who could no longer find a reason to be where I was to someone who argues passionately in meetings over matters that are close to my heart, I realize somewhere along the line I've started to take more interest in what I'm doing instead of constantly entertaining thoughts of just quitting. But then I jumped from one extreme to another and I now feel too strongly about lots of things, and I've found it's not worth it to get too emotional about such things. If everyone's contented to remain silent, then I'll go back to observing silently and only speak out when I feel the need to, cuz no one else is interested in what I think.
Anyway, that wasn't what I originally wanted to blog about. After that horrible, horrible Wednesday, I was reminded of this passage from the Bible.
For anyone who wants to save his life will lose it; but anyone who loses his life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it.
-Mark 8:35
This verse has a deeper meaning for me, but I won't talk about that here. It's just that everything that happened on Wednesday just sort of proved to me again what I've always believed but tried to ignore. I guess I just never had the courage to move out from my comfort zone into an unknown realm, to take the path less traveled.
Another verse came up a few days later in one of the daily readings and caught my interest as well...
Is this a time for you to live in your panelled houses, when this House lies in ruins?
So now, Yahweh Sabaoth says this: Reflect carefully how things have gone for you. You have sown much and harvested little; you eat but never have enough, drink but never have your fill, put on clothes but do not feel warm. The wage earner gets his wages only to put them in a purse riddled with holes.
Yahweh Sabaoth says this: Reflect carefully how things have gone for you.
The abundance you expected proved to be little. When you brought the harvest in, my breath spoilt it. And why? -- it is Yahweh Sabaoth who speaks. Because while my House lies in ruins you are busy with your own, each one of you. That is why the sky has withheld the rain and the earth withheld its yield.
-Haggai 1: 4-6, 7, 9-10
There's a missing verse, which is equally meaningful to me but is out of the topic...
I never had the courage.
, at
2:07 pm, September 27, 2009
